Tybinola's blog

It's a very rare diamond that seeks the company of anyone other than another diamond. Society and the entertainment culture tells us what the desirable, 'beautiful' people are supposed to look like and tries to convince us that to accept anything less is to settle. I don't buy it. No interest in abs or Tom Cruise look-alikes. For what its worth, you look fine. Good blog.

We don’t know what our lives sometimes have in store for us and I’m sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, prejudice is pervasive - particularly on a site that relies on images. I appreciate your raw and honest feelings here. Bravery and honesty are often overlooked but very attractive traits. In my eyes, that makes you very handsome indeed.

Gay guys are like nurses. They are their own worst enemies and they love to eat their young. To me, and I know you pretty well, you are beautiful inside and out. I’ve always considered you sexy and attractive for those unique qualities that you may see as negative. They make you who you are. This has been a rough year for everyone. It seems nothing is normal. Take it in stride and keep pushing. You can talk to me anytime buddy.

Hey Tyboi you know it's only distance that has stopped us from wrestling. I know what you mean about the look or they don't even respond to your message.

I am with you brother , still looking forward to our tangle

Unfortunately you're not alone in these feelings, throughout life you will encounter guys of varying opinion and approach. Sometimes that look is just a mask that they are hiding behind and sometimes they are just shallow, egotistical ignorant individuals. Sadly it's difficult to tell which is which, just keep being you, keep trying (there are decent guys out there, in fact the majority are) you will find what you're after - that's what I keep telling myself 🙃

What an important, vulnerable blog entry! You've been brave in sharing this my friend. It's an enormous struggle to look in the mirror and not see what you wish to see, and even harder when the mirror and your mind play cruel tricks on you and you don't see the positive qualities that are right there.

Everyone is someone's type exactly as they are. We can't do much to change who is attracted to us, to the style we like, the kinks we have ;) But I promise you, people are out there who are wildly attracted to you for one or all of these reasons!

The only advice I can give, as someone who has struggled with self esteem as well, is that owning your positive qualities is a near universally positive trait. You're a strong, stocky wrestler - that's hot! You've got a great smile and expressive eyes. That's sweet!

Try some new poses in the mirror. Set that camera timer on your phone and experiment with angles. Use a filter even - nothing wrong with modifying lighting if you've got cruddy lighting at home. Do this for you - see if you can find some poses and angles that make you feel sexy. Do it for YOU. Your confidence will shine through and others will notice it :) You deserve it.

To those that think they're all that and a bottle of suntan lotion, keep it moving. There are going to be those who have EXTREMELY particular interests and looks. As I see it, they're just as much not for me as I am not for them.....I'd love to wrestle you!

I felt the same at your age. But it worked out fine. You look fine and I have no doubt that it will all work out for you too.

As for the snooty guys, it's their problem if they look down. A wise man once said that loneliness is the perception of being above the crowd, beneath the crowd or against the crowd. By that measure, their sneering is something of a pyrrhic victory. It doesn't make them happy.

Feelings of inferiority can often be harnessed like rocket fuel to push one towards achievement. Struggle is what makes us truly human.

Have you set any specific goals in order to change your circumstances?

Hey, like others here, I really appreciate the rawness, honesty and vulnerabiity you've shared here. I'd say a few things: (I'll split it up bc MF won't let me post it all in one comment.

1) RETHINK YOUR MEDIA DIET - We're constantly fed gym bunnies in gay media, porn and wresting. How often are you seeing or surrounding yourself with these images? If they take up a lot of your media space, make efforts to change that by incorporating big-bodied and "average" dudes into your feeds: Instagram, porn consumption, media diet. Seek out images of bigger guys who are proud of their bodies... it will do a lot to start to shift your concept of what is sexy and how to own it. You will also likely start to see how many other men and social media users like big-bodied men... guys like me.

2) SELF-TALK - Based on what I said above about "conventional beauty standards" among gay/bi men, it's easy to get into the habit of looking at yourself in the mirror and always being critical of it. I suggest changing that by starting to CONSISTENTLY compliment your body in the mirror (saying it out loud) and stating what you GENUINELY appreciate about it. You don't have to lie to yourself by saying "I love my stomach" if you hate it, but find something you DO actually appreciate. For me, it started by saying to myself, "I like my kidneys. I'm really grateful that they process toxins out of my blood because not everybody's kidneys can do that. I really apreciate my legs and arms for taking me where I want to go and helping me access things, because some people have legs and arms that can't do that. I like my penis because it can get hard, etc. etc." Over time, I found more and more to genuinely appreciate about me — and I eventually moved to things like, "I have a handsome face, good smile, nice bicepts, etc.) and I started focusing less on what I didn't like. I know it sounds silly and cheesy, but you deserve to talk nicely to yourself and give yourself some love and support for all your body can do?

3) AGE & LOCATION - My self-esteem was pretty crap when I was in my 20s and I feel like I didn't really start feeling more secure in my self-esteem and self-image until my 30s. When you're in your 20s, you're still figuring things out. What I mean to say, is please believe that you can grow and change in how you feel about yourself. It takes time and self-work AND TONS OF SELF-COMPASSION and patience, but you can get there. If you know any other big-bodied gay men who are older, talk to them, ask them how they deal with the feelings you have. Lastly, your feelings and reactions from guys might have to do with where you live. Slidell is a small southern town. I know it's close to New Orleans, but New Orleans is a transient city where most folks are just visiting to party and many folks are reluctant to invest in caring friendships bc everyone's just passing through. If you lived in a bigger city that had a larger leather and bear community, I assure you, you would find that your body type is common, sexy, desired and displayed with Pride. If you can find groups like this in NOLA, great! Join them, talk to fellas and (when COVID is better) hang out. If not, consider moving to or visiting other cities and checking out their bear and big-guy communities. I know that have cliques and problems, just like any community, but it could give you more access to guys who own their big bodies with pride and the fellas who admire them.

Hope that helps. Much love, grappler xo

Rejection is a normal part of life and happens to everyone regardless of whether they're 'big' or not. That said, if you're not happy with your size, that is something you can change. The atributes you've described seeing in the mirror are a direct result of your lifestyle choices.

I'd politely like to invite you to live at the place where the original poster lives (with respect to food availability and affordability), in a body with the same genetics as the original poster has, before judging his "lifestyle choices".

Thank you for saying this. Plus, psychology—trauma, food issues, body shame—or lack of exposure to exercise/proper technique, or lack of accessibility to gyms, parks, runnable neighborhoods can all play factors as well. Believe me: Big-bodied people are tired of hearing how their largeness and feelings are just due to their own "lifestyle choices" rather than social conditions as well.

My pleasure. "It's your fault!" kills at least 5 million people globally, each and every single year.

(And that's just diabetes and related deaths - not counting heart disease, cancer, alzheimers, dementia, and the other related causes.)

That is one complete World War II every 15 years, including concentration camps.

"It's your fault - you should diet and exercise" is one of the deadliest lies in existence currently.

Please do not perpetrate it.

Hang on, diet and exercise is within most people’s gift to alter, also diabetes type one is genetic, type two is self inflicted so let’s not get away from the fact the western world could do with eating less crap and more greens

you think its that simple eat more greens? interesting

A generalised comment, the western world eats too much and too much of the wrong thing, less carbs more greens and less damned booze.

ok great good observation thanks

Sounds like you haven't read or completely ignored what was written above.

So what would be the wrong thing to eat, according to your opinion? Because this is what the US government was telling people to eat between 1992 and 2005:

This is completely backwards, as it recommends eating lots of starches and grains, while refraining from fats.

This is https://www.myplate.gov/ - which continues recommending a strong reduction of fats, and especially saturated fats. Again completely backwards.

And this is what your (UK) goverment is telling people to eat: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/ - again, very strongly discouraging fat consumption ("Meat and poultry choices should be lean or low-fat."), bad science ("Diets that are high in saturated fats raise bad cholesterol levels in the blood" - this never was true), conflating food groups ("All foods made from seafood; meat, poultry, and eggs; beans, peas, and lentils; and nuts, seeds, and soy products are considered part of the Protein Foods Group." - really? red meat/beef in the same group as lentils?)

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As long as governments are recommending/preaching the wrong thing (and legally mandates following it for parts of the population), and those recommendations make people get fat and unhealthy and sick, please clearly specify what "crap" you are referring to, and how much "less crap" is, and what people should eat instead. Otherwise you would be hurting people, as they will rightly assume you are referring them to follow these - health-harming, misguided - governmental recommendations.

I recommend watching lectures from Nina Teichholz to get more clarity on the matter; for your convenience I have linked two here:

Fat is stored energy that is created as a result of food consumption.

Excess body fat is caused by excess food.

Excess body fat is not caused by genetics or location.

Also, exercise, or a lack of exercise is not a cause of excess body fat. Exercise will burn off fat but it is not responsible for creating the fat in the first place. If one is not excercising and they are consuming an appropriate amount of food they will not have excess fat.

As for the other issues raised by the original poster in terms of rejection or attractiveness that is a result of being "big". I'm not aware of any statistical disparity for this that is skewed by being "big". If anything, from my observation, it's the opposite. There are people who are attracted to "big" guys. There are also a fair few people on this site that rate people's ability to fight based on how much they weigh. From my observation from being on this site and browsing profiles, the "big" guys are getting as many matches or even more matches than "in shape" people. And in normal life, I've not noticed that "big" people are any less likely to be partnered or getting dates than anyone else.

Wish this was true but many things trigger "fat" gain. from hormone imbalance, to insulin spikes. If were solely a matter of excess food, weight watches, jenny craig herbal life would of solved the obesity issue.

Body fat has to come from food, it does not get created any other way so excess fat is a result of excess food. Some factors may trigger your body to store more or less fat but the fat still has to come from food. Regardless of what triggers your body may experience, if you are eating appropriately, you will not have excess fat.

In the end in comes down to calories in and calories out. That is - calories coming in from eating food and calories going out that your body burns from being alive. If there is a daily calorie defecit - that is, you are burning more calories than you are eating, then your body will burn the stored energy from your body fat. That's when you would lose weight. If you have a calorie deficit, it is physically impossible for your body not to lose weight.

As for commercialised diets not solving the obesity crisis, in most cases, this is because not enough people are on the diets or they didn't stick to them strictly and/or for long enough.

"eating appropriately" - without a clear definition this is not actionable, and therefore the advice is useless. "eat healthy to be healthy" is meaningless without also defining what "eating healthy" (or "eating appropriately, in your case) means.

so would you care to define what "eating appropriately" means exactly, according to you?

If the information I've already written is not clear or actionable, then I am not able to help you as I have made it about as clear as can be.

It would appear that you've already got all the opinions about dieting you can absorb from a certain journalist who from what I can research, is not even a registered doctor. I wish you all the best with all that lard.

Please, everyone, just do your own research.

what you just said is not true but that fine, thanks for the information

very easy to say, and not always true

As a fat guy myself, I feel you. It's a struggle we have every day of our lives. I didn't really think much of it in the past, but being in a site like Meetfighters, where looks actually matter (contrary to what some people claim), exacerbated the struggle.

Eventually, I've begun to accept that this is generally how the human mind works. Guys tend to be attracted to those who are similar to them, especially those who are similar to them physically. Similarly, guys tend to like physically attractive people because they perceive these guys as "good" and are seen as more desirable.

Some guys may claim that's not true, but these are social psychological realities. They might say they're exceptions, which is fine. But this is pretty much the norm in this social world. Otherwise, these wouldn't be published in psychology textbooks or journals.

We can only hope that they would be interested in us, but of course this would mean establishing a relationship with them. All we can do is just try to reach out, see if they're interested, but have the expectation that they will most likely reject or snub us. If they open up to you, that'd be a pleasant surprise; if not, you could at least have some comfort with the idea that this is a manifestation of the social psychology of attraction, and that your expectation is grounded on psychological studies.

Besides, close relationships of big guys with conventionally attractive people seems to mainly develop because they're familiar with each other (ex. workmates, classmates, frequently seen in certain places) or because they're close to each other (ex. neighbors, seatmates).

As far as loving oneself is concerned, I guess it's best if you just do whatever makes you satisfied in life, regardless of whatever people think about you physically. As long as we're not hurting other people, that should at least give us some comfort in our lives.

As far as big bodies are concerned, focus more on what you can do to benefit you and your health (physical and mental). Perspectives about what's best for one's health may differ among people, depending on one's social context, genetic/pre-existing conditions, and current health condition. Still, it should focus on what's best for you in the long run, especially when you reach late adulthood. Personally, I would advice against exercising or losing weight for the sake of attracting guys because you'll likely just end up working your butt off for people who don't really care about the sacrifices you've made.

In this age of the pandemic, where life is so uncertain and physical attractiveness won't save you from being caught by the virus, we just have to focus on what's best for our own sake in the long run.

The problem lies with them not you if guys don't want to wrestle you because of looks then it's their loss. There will be guys who will want to wrestle you hang on in there. I have the same problem but know there have been more who have wrestled me then those who won't. Chin up as the British say.

First I have to tell you it takes allot of courage to even bring up this topic since it is such a personal issue for some more than others and agree with @RowdyBear on his view point with it. I myself have also struggled being a Big, ok lets just say it, a FAT Guy guy with body issues. I have several strikes against me. One I am allot older then the mean age on the this site. Two my genetics makes me bottom heavy with thick luv handles and a huge ass. Three I do have a smaller tool and four I am Bi-married to a women which I love and love my family but did not embrace being gay before the internet and my external family and friends dynamics growing up. I actually have a nick name growing up which focused on my larger ass which my str8 friends from HS still call me today.

I don't know if it is my internal wiring, personality or what but when I see a problem instead of sitting and talking about it I do something about it which has been a long journey. I used my size as a positive instead of dwelling on the negative. I started playing Rugby in College and last year before Covid it would have been my 38th year. I did the power positions and hitting positions which was 2nd Row and 8 man in the scrum for 15's. Eight years ago I switched from just going to the gym to a real Power Lifting Program. After training 4-6 days a week and adding on 35 lbs of muscle on top of the fat I turned from Fat Boy to Muscle-Chub and now Beast. I had my first PL Comp in Sept which I came in 1st place for me age group with a 1380 total pounds in 3 events. Not bad for an old fat fart. With Wrestling on here or Global which I love I do not have much in skill set but my power and size has won me many matches and take on guys even bigger than me with success.

The point being made is take what you have and work with it. Could I have lost the fat over the years, and the answer is yes. However I am a Big Guy, I own it and is why I continue to grow both at the gym and if one, two, twenty more pounds of beef come on oh the fuck well. Plus help the guy who tries to call me fat since it def will not end well for them. Best of luck to you on your journey and I hope I have given you some "fat" to chew on!

Guys like who they like for lots of reasons. Thankfully, the bear and chub community has emerged in the last 25 years, so many men have found a place for themselves in the gay world. None of us are attractive to everyone, but most of us are attractive to some people. It's disappointing when there's not a match between our interest and the person we're interested in, but never give up.

Understand completely. However, many people are attracted to overweight. Personally, I find husky to be attractive. The same can be said for age, and at 74 many people are not attracted at all. BUT some are, and I have a husband who is 28 years younger than I am, and he is attracted only to older men. I might add that I am an overweight older man. My point: know that others will find you attractive. They do exist.

I run into it constantly, even with some imperfect guys, who by the way I prefer. They see my beard, or possibly my age and can't be bothered to even check out my profile let alone respond to a friendly hello or compliment. It's part of life, and sometimes the gay community is it's own worst enemy. You are not displeasing to look at, and have value. Probably a lot more than the clones do.

I myself enjoy meeting older guys! In my opinion we are all imperfect, So we are all in the same boat. Those of you who are finding it hard to find matches or relationships please don't give up, they are out there looking as well.

Hello there Lovely soul! I can relate to all things you said. We live in a highly competitive society and time where the norm is being too healthy, too good looking (handsome), having a good job and being too fit and if you don’t fit those criteria's you fall in the bottom of the food chain, it’s sad but its all true, now a days no body cares about getting to know you or take some effort on going on a second date with you because the next avaliable option is just a swipe away. At this point and time Its really hard to fix society and the way people look at one another. This is a new problem and new problems need new solutions. I know people in the past and past generation always say love your self no matter who you are (cheesy) but partially true to some extent but does that mean you will be happy forever?) No! You mentioned you are struggling in key areas such as body image / weightloss when ever you interested in a guy you liked. The main ingredients in solving any problem you are facing in life be it weight loss or other things is to always (1) realize there is a problem (if there is no problem there is no solution) (2) Take people feedbacks seriously (if many people say the same thing then you have identified the issue) (3) always get outside of the box (get rid of your old way of thinking) or think outside of the box (take a moment out side your body and try to evaluate you self). Once you identified (1)(2)(3) then start working towards eliminating those obstacles. Of course there is a lot of more things to work on depending on the situation and problem but I just hope this jump starts you on the journey of living a better and happier life.

Cheers

Khaled

I feel you brother. Everything thought, feeling, frustration, sadness, anger, and all the emotions that come with looking at yourself and being unsatisfied.
I just want to thank you for sharing and know that you are not in this alone.
Someone can tell you that you look good or are handsome, or compliment you all they want. But at the end of the day, it’s about how you feel inside. I have my good days and bad days. And guys on here have given great advice while others (specifically one person) just give advice without any understanding of how you truly feel. It’s not as simple as caloric deficit. It’s about the drive and motivation to make yourself feel better and build your esteem along with your journey of physical improvement. Sometimes, I workout so hard, and feel that I have achieved nothing. I feel defeated some days. I try to eat healthy, but feel like it’s not making much of a difference.
Again, I’m not here to give you advice. I’m here to give you support and know that you can reach out whenever you need someone to listen. I’m also here to challenge you to a match when I get back to your part of the country.

You are handsome as fuck to me, bro, head to toe. I mean, I want you to be happy and healthy. So, this is not advice. It's just a compliment. So just take it. Not everybody is into twinks. And not every twink is into themselves either.

Damn, will rassle you anytime, any place....your blog is just awesome!